A Quite *ahem* Colorful Past

Well, yesterday after some deliberation, I decided to call the adoption agency.  They had pretty much told me that it was a big solid “No!” for adopting from Russia for a couple of different reasons.  Mainly because we couldn’t get a home study done here in Germany (it’s always better to error on the side of caution.  And then…there’s my *ahem* colorful past.  It seems to catch up on me at the worst possible times, too!

Well, some of it was my fault and I’ll take credit for my mistakes, but some of it wasn’t and it’s being held AGAINST me…like stuff that happened when I was a child…stuff that I really had no control over…and genetics…blah (stupid genes–always getting in my way!)  LMAO 😉  Actually, it’s honestly and truly my mother’s fault, but I can’t blame her–not really–it’s in her genes!  Something that Rob reminded me was that I can’t blame my parents for everything.  I don’t live with them anymore and they don’t control my life anymore, so any problems that I have really are my own…and that’s true, for the most part.

Well, if you must know, my mother has schizophrenia and a touch of depression.  As part of her court order, she had to go to counseling and since I was a part of the family I had to go, too.  And I probably inherited stupid ole depression, though it really doesn’t affect me that much–well it hasn’t in a long time anyway.  And with that said, Russia generally won’t adopt to people who have had depression or any mental health issues!  Blah!

So, I called yesterday about possibly Ethiopia as an alternative.  Well, see there’s other stuff in my long-line of colorful stories and it could MOST LIKELY cause us problems (stuff I’d really rather not get into, but no, it’s not THAT bad!)  Blah!  It probably will affect us–not being able to get an adopted kid…most likely an international adoption, anyway.  Not entirely sure how it would affect adopting domestically or not, but, I’ve no doubt in my mind that it WOULD affect it!

So, needless to say, I’m feeling quite dejected at the moment.  I called Rob all teary and upset and he said, “Well, we’re just going to have to explore the IVF route, then.  I’ll endure your mood swings.”  The funny thing is, he’s not lying.  I took one cycle of clomid and I was NUTS!  I cried during movie scenes that were supposed to be funny.  I would start shouting at stuff that really was not big deal and just losing it in general!  Okay, I’m already a bit moody, I’m a Cancer, I’m ALLOWED to be a little moody! 😉

So, I don’t know if we should wait until we get back to the states or if I should get things started here…I guess I’ll have to talk to Rob because some of these appointments require him.  They won’t even look at me now until Rob’s got a valid sperm test done (which they did in Feb 2005 and he came back perfectly normal) but they said it has to be less than 1 year old.  Blah!  It’s not supposed to be this hard to have a baby!  Grrr!