a bit tipsy

Tonight is a strange night.  I’ve had 2 German beers tonight and I’m a bit tipsy.  That’s normal for German beers.  Actually, I start feeling it around the middle of my first, depending on how fast I drink it.  The 2nd beer I drank kind of fast, but I’m sort of in the mood to write.  I don’t know why, it’s the strangest thing.

I was watching a re-run of Friends on TV and Rob just went to bed.  He usually drinks 3 beers, but tonight only 2 and it kicked his butt.

Casey is chewing a bone, Gizmo’s outside and I’m still awake.  I really don’t know what I’m in the mood for, writing or playing the Sims.  I get sucked in when I play it and I won’t go to bed…I was also thinking about playing Wii or PS2, but I can’t decide.  I have to get up in the morning; I have a lot to do.  Rob is getting the brakes fixed on his car tomorrow and we’ve decided that we’re going to keep two residences.  He’ll be in Hanau for 2 or 3 nights a week and the rest will be spent with me in Kaiserslautern.

I had an FRG meeting tonight and I didn’t expect anyone to come, 2 of my regulars called and said that they wouldn’t be attending and Mrs. K has only been coming the last couple of times, but she showed up, surprisingly enough.  My theory is that I send all of the info via email, so they don’t feel obligated to show up to the meetings.  I did end up with 2 families.  One of my other spouses that usually attends pulled some crap with me and she didn’t go because I wasn’t Christian enough to get over it.  My mother was pretty sick while I was an impressionable child and she always told me, “Burn me once, shame on you.  Burn me twice shame on me.”  From that I learned once I’ve been burned, I don’t allow people to treat me badly.  It’s probably the mantra that she had that I actually abide by.  I was hurt too many times by the same people that I finally stopped allowing people to hurt me over and over again.

Mrs. G blamed me for something that her husband did or rather–didn’t do.  And then, hit below the belt.  She ended up hanging up on me.  I felt like no one should really be treated the way she treated me and I decided that I did not want to continue a friendship with her because of the incident.  She really hurt me and my feelings.  I know I should be a better Christian and I’ve asked God to forgive me because I can’t forgive her.  My heart hasn’t healed…I am still holding a grudge and that’s how I know I haven’t REALLY forgiven her.  Please pray for both of us.  She’s asked me for forgiveness and I blew her off.  I don’t know if she’s sincere.  She’s got schizophrenic tendencies (though I don’t fully remember the conversation that took place, even though I wrote it in an email that I sent to the Chaplain on his advice–I wonder if writing it down made me forget the actual incident, I still feel the pain!) (it was reminiscent of behavior that my mother displayed) and it took me a LONG time for me to forgive her. 

A friend of mine got word that her hubby is getting ready to go to Special Forces training and she’s really nervous about that.  It means more deployments and longer working hours.  She’s got two children and I’m certain that more are in her future.  I imagine that she’s going to have 5 children and the next 2 are going to be deployment babies. 😉  She needs lots of prayers.  I know that she’s a strong lady, she just doesn’t know how strong she is yet.  God has not shown her that yet.

God is so amazing isn’t He?  When I was a kid I imagined that I was adopting my first Cabbage Patch Kid.  Her name was Amanda Lynette.  I knew that because I found the doll in the basement after I finished the dishes one night.  She was supposed to be a surprise for me when I got all C’s on my report card.  I was never a good student, but that’s because I was bored.  I look back and still think that it was too easy for me.  I was a strange child.  Now, I’m struggling with actual adoption!  But this time, I don’t need C’s, I need A+’s from the recommendations from people that I am going to ask to write recommendations to the adoption agency.  I know that I can count on these people to write extremely nice letters, but I’ve only asked one, so far.  This is a challenge that we are looking forward to.  Rob’s sister adopted a 9 year old 3 years ago and he’s improved greatly because of her.  I’m so amazed.  Since the first time I met D. at my wedding, I can’t believe how much he’s matured since.  We got to see him a Christmas.  He was leery of me at first, mainly because he didn’t know me, but he warmed up to me pretty quickly.  I don’t know if I should expect the same from my own adopted children, but I certainly hope so!

Well, it’s late and Touched By an Angel is almost over, so I guess I should go to bed now.  TTFN and thanks for reading!

Dear Mom

I’m writing to you today to tell you that I forgive you.  I’m sorry that you’re so sick.  I pray everyday that you will get a job and that you will start to take your medicine everyday.  I know that it’s hard because it makes you feel “not normal”.

I do love you, but because of your illness, it makes it hard to have conversations with you.  I had to set boundaries with you because I don’t want to have political or military discussions with you and it’s hard, but at least we can have a relationship.  You and I fundamentally disagree about those issues.  I was bothered when you called me to wish me a happy anniversary–considering my anniversary is in December, not March.  You called because it was the 5th year anniversary of the Iraqi war.

I know that you feel like I have abandoned you, but I haven’t.  I’m still here and I’m still your daughter.  Rob and I have talked about having you move in with us.  We were thinking that when we get back to the states, we would buy a house and there would be a separate entrance for you–kind of like your own apartment.  You could even take Windy with you.  I’m sure that she and Gizmo would get along just fine.  I’ve never breached the subject with you, but I think it would be better for you.  It would be easier for you and then you wouldn’t have to rape your 401k just to survive.

I don’t know what God has in store for you, but I do want you to know that I’m here for you and that I do love you.  I am praying for you and I want you to know that.  Please take care of yourself.